


In Little Stars

by summerbutterfly



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon - Manga, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Dark, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 02:08:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1587767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerbutterfly/pseuds/summerbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Cho Gonou was not the one to fall victim to his own hatred, and Banri was not the one who took Gojyo off the streets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [draelynn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/draelynn/gifts), [Crescentium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crescentium/gifts).



> This has been in the works for well over a year, and probably would never have been finished if Drae and Cres hadn't been such loving beta buttkickers. Thanks, ladies, for helping me get this out.

Opening his eyes did not yield the results Cho Gonou had been anticipating. Instead of collapsed on the floor of a prison cell, he was tucked into an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. Instead of being surrounded by noise and chaos, he was enveloped in tranquil silence. Instead of being dead, he was alive.

And instead of being alone, someone was with him. 

"Oh. You're awake."

Gonou turned. The movement caused a dizzying stab of pain to shoot through his abdomen, and if it weren't for a strong pair of hands, he would have fallen face first onto the floor. But his companion caught him just in time, pushing him back onto the bed and holding him until he regained his bearings. 

"Easy there. You are in no way strong enough to be moving around yet, so don't." 

Gonou managed a weak noise. The stranger sat him up, tucking something soft under his neck, and as his vision cleared, he became aware that the helpful set of hands belonged to a striking young man with the most brilliant red hair he had ever seen. He was kneeling to Gonou's left, his simple tunic the type Gonou would recognize anywhere. 

"Oh." It was more an exhalation than a word. He'd never seen a half-breed up close before, never mind one dressed as this one was. Half-breeds were considered dangerous, and were often forced to live well away from cities and towns. So the fact that this one was here, dressed in monk's robes, was more than a little startling. 

Gonou didn't mean to stare, but he almost couldn't help it.

"What? Never seen a novice before?" To his credit, his companion seemed to take his rudeness in stride.

"No, I..." Gonou blushed, ashamed of his own internalized bias. "I've seen novices. You just look very different from the young men who used to come through my village."

"Heh. Yeah, I suppose I would." The young man ran his fingers through his long, red ponytail. "We do things a little differently around here, and since most people aren't going to argue with a Sanzo, welcome to the refuge of non-traditional Buddhists."

Gonou blinked. So much about that statement baffled him, and yet one thing stood out above the rest. "Sanzo?" he questioned. "Did you say Sanzo?"

"I did. This temple is the main residence of my master, Koumyou Sanzo, 30th of China." 

Koumyo Sanzo. Gonou turned the name over in his mind. One of the five holiest men on Earth, and he was in his house. His temple. 

Funny. There was no temple within walking distance of where Gonou lived.

"If you don't mind me asking," he said, "how exactly did I end up in the residence of a Sanzo? My village is a fair distance from any temple that I know of." 

"Your body washed down the river a couple days ago. After the rains. I was on the bank scrubbing linens when I saw you. You were weak but alive, so I pulled you out and carried you up here. You were in a really bad way, and I kind of had to shove your guts back in your stomach. You should be okay, though." 

Gonou's eyes widened. For the first time he realized he was devoid of his clothes and covered only by a thin cotton sheet. He also realized, when he laid a tentative hand on his abdomen, that the gaping wound he knew to be there had been stitched shut, leaving a jagged, rough line across his belly. 

"I...the river?"

"Yeah. It's not far from here. Maybe a ten minute walk. Convenient for us, that's for sure. Without it, we couldn't have had the piping installed." 

Gonou said nothing. 

"Would you like some tea?" The young man didn't seem too worried about Gonou's silence. Or Gonou's confusion. "You haven't had anything to eat or drink since I gave you some broth this morning. By the way, I'm Sandy. I'll be the one taking care of you until you're better."

"Cho Gonou." Gonou took the plain, earthenware cup Sandy handed him and curled his fingers around its warmth. "And um...how long do you think that's going to be?"

"Until you're better?" Sandy shrugged. "The doctor that came out here said it might be as long as a month before you're completely back to normal. You lost a lot of blood."

"I...yes." Gonou stared into his tea. "I imagine I did." 

Sandy sat down on the end of Gonou's bed. "You don't have to tell me," he said. "I can't imagine anything that caused that kind of damage is something you want to talk about."

"No...Not really."

"Fair enough. It doesn't really matter any way. What matters is you're alive." 

Gonou managed a small smile, though his heart didn't feel it. "Indeed. I suppose that is something, isn't it?"

Sandy nodded.

They sipped their tea. Gonou recognized the flavor- it was a lavender and chamomile blend, designed for soothing inflammation. And it was fresh by the taste of it. He wondered if the monks had an herb garden nearby.

"So I'll be here until evening meditation," Sandy informed him. "Then I've got to go to the main hall. But I'll make sure to get you some dinner when I'm done. If you feel up to it."

Gonou's stomach gave a tiny growl. "Yes, please. That would be nice." 

"Good. You'll like the food. It's all vegetarian, but we aren't lacking for variety. Not like other temples."

"I imagine a temple with a Sanzo is fairly well funded."

"Well, there's that, and the Abbot is kind of an avid gardner. He's turned pretty much the whole back side of the hill into a vegetable patch."

Gonou thought of his own tiny vegetable patch back home and felt a pang of sorrow. Shoving it down, he took a sip of tea and forced himself to be genial. 

"So you have an Abbot and a Sanzo? How many other monks live here?" 

"About twenty. And then anywhere from seven to ten novices at a time." 

"Including yourself?"

"Mm? Yeah." Sandy chuckled. "Though I admit, I'm not one of Master Koumyou's better students." 

Gonou's eyebrows rose. 

"I'm a little too fascinated by...worldly stuff," Sandy said. "Though in my defense, I wasn't born into this life like some of the others. I've only been studying for about five years, since..." 

Chimes sounded in the distance.

Sandy sighed. "That's me," he said. "I gotta go. You rest, I'll be back with some food when we're finished, okay?" 

"Okay." Gounou managed another small smile as Sandy left the room.

In the ensuing silence, he sipped his tea and watched the afternoon shadows work their way across the wall.

*~*~*~*~*  
Dinner was as good as Sandy promised. A hearty vegetable soup, it was enough to ease Gonou's hunger pangs, but not so much that he felt sick. And afterwards, Sandy made him more tea, this time a soothing mint mix with a pleasing aroma that made Gonou a little sleepy.

"I've been staying in here to keep an eye on you," Sandy said, pulling out a sleeping mat. "I think I'm going to stay tonight, too, unless you have any serious objections."

"I...no." Gonou shook his head. "It's probably better that you do. Just in case."

"That's what I'm thinking." Sandy laid down and folded his hands behind his head. "Also, you have a window, which is kind of cool. I like being able to look at the stars." 

"You don't have a window?"

"No." Sandy chuckled. "I think I mentioned that I'm easily distracted?"

Gonou chuckled, too. And the tea was definitely doing its job because his eyelids were getting heavier and he was starting to feel rather floaty. Setting his empty cup aside, he inched himself under the blankets. 

"I just realized," he said with a soft yawn. "I never actually said thank you for saving my life."

"You don't have to thank me. Not that I don't appreciate it, but don't feel like you have any sort of debt to repay."

"Whether or not I do, it's only polite." Gonou yawned again. There was a peaceful sort of numbness in his mind now. Like it wasn't quite connected to his body. "So...thank you. For saving me."

"You're welcome," Sandy said. He rolled to his side, tucking his knees into his chest. 

It wasn't long before they both drifted off to sleep. 

*~*~*~*~*  
In days that followed, Gonou got to know Sandy better than he'd ever imagined possible. Far weaker than he realized (and struggling with anemia from the blood loss), Gonou's involuntary convalescence was dominated by Sandy's presence. Sitting up, dressing, using the bathroom- everything required and extra set of hands, and though it was a few days before Gonou's resistance and embarrassment gave way to resignation, it made both his and Sandy's life a lot easier when he finally conceded. 

The good thing was, for all his shortcomings as a student, Sandy was blessed with natural patience. He walked slowly beside Gonou when Gonou insisted he could walk on his own, and then quietly picked him up and carried him when he inevitably couldn't. He brought Gonou three meals every day, and made tea without being asked, and endured Gonou's bouts of melancholic silences with no question and no judgement. He stayed with Gonou in the bath, sitting behind him and supporting him while Gonou washed, completely ignoring the many ribald comments thrown their way by the other monks. He even let Gonou rest against his shoulder when he woke, shaking and sweating, from the nightmares, holding him until Gonou fell back to sleep. 

And when Gonou's guilt finally got the better of him, he decided he needed to stop making Sandy sleep on the floor and offer him a spot in the bed. 

Sandy was humorously skeptical. "Can two of us even fit in there?"

"I don't know," Gonou confessed, "but I know sleeping on that mat can't be comfortable."

"It's enough," Sandy said. "I mean, I am a monk."

"A monk with his own bed and his own room that he can't use because he's to busy being a caretaker."

Sandy shrugged. "You need help," he said. "I'm helping."

"Okay but..."

"C'mon, Gonou. You and I both know that if you put half as much energy into healing as you did into worrying, I wouldn't have to keep carrying you to the toilet."

Gonou felt his cheeks grow pink. "I still don't think that means you have to sleep on the floor," he mumbled. "So consider my offer, would you please?"

"I'll consider it," Sandy promised. 

The mat stayed. 

*~*~*~*  
Two months went by. Then three. Gonou's strength returned, and as it did, he began to be able to do more. A natural early riser, he stared helping around the kitchen, preparing breakfast and washing dishes, and doing any of the other smaller tasks that needed to be done. After that, he and Sandy would to walk the grounds, or at least as far as Gonou could go before getting tired, taking in the sights, sunlight, and fresh air. When afternoon came, they would head over to the the main hall and listen to various senior monks speak on philosophy, Buddha, and the journey to Enlightment. Then there would be dinner and, if Gonou was up to it, evening chanting and meditation. 

Sometimes he made it the full day, sometimes he didn't, but either way, Sandy was always there with him, making sure he never wanted for anything. He even procured them a Mahjongg set for their free evenings, playing round after round with Gonou, sometimes well into the night. These were some of Gonou's favorite times, just the two of them in his room trying to outwit each other in a game of luck and strategy. Most times, Sandy held his own with remarkable skill, but on just as many nights, Gonou's natural good luck kept him on the winning side. 

Like tonight, when he took his fourth round in a row with minimal effort and a well-placed dragon tile.

"Looks like I win again."

Seated opposite him on the bed, Sandy threw up his hands. "Unbelievable," he muttered. "Do you practice when I'm not here?" 

"No no, nothing like that." Gonou waved away the accusation. "I just have the favor of the God of Luck tonight. That's all."

"Tonight and every night," Sandy grumbled. "What's my penance?" 

"Well, I was thinking that my shoulders are a little sore, so perhaps a shoulder rub?" 

"Fine." Sandy crawled around and seated himself behind his friend. "The things I do for you."

Gonou grinned. He leaned back into Sandy's chest as the other man's strong fingers dug just far enough into the muscles to promote a pleasant, melting sensation. Sandy gave excellent massages. Gonou usually got them out of necessity not pleasure, so with this one as a gift, he felt free to close his eyes and truly relax.

Sandy nudged him with his knee. "No falling asleep." 

"Hm? Oh. No, I just..." Gonou scooted a little bit closer. "I might have needed this more than I thought."

"Yeah, well, I need a rematch more than I thought, so don't get too comfortable."

Gonou chuckled. "What's too comfortable?"

"Any level that doesn't give me a second chance at beating you."

Gonou laughed again, but this time, his smile faded just a little. "The way you said that...reminds me of someone." 

"A lover someone?" 

"No..." Gonou looked down at his lap. "Just someone important. Someone I....left behind." 

"Oh." Sandy's kneading fingers paused. "I'm sorry to hear that. " 

"Don't be. It's okay. I don't know what made me bring it up, I just...I guess I was just feeling nostalgic. Anyway, let's play again. My back feels much better, thank you."

"No problem," Sandy said. "My deal?"

"I believe so." 

They spread the tiles. Sandy split them in half, and Gonou allowed his focus to return to the game. They played well into the night, not packing up until the moon was high and Sandy had managed two victories to Gonou's one. Only then did they snuff the candles and retire to their respective sleeping spaces.

Or perhaps more appropriately in Gonou's case, retire back into the realm of nightmares so violent he found himself struggling to breathe.

"Can I do anything?" Sandy had curled up behind him as soon as he'd noticed Gonou tossing and turning, stroking the damp hair back from his temple with gentle sweeps of his fingertips. 

"No," Gonou said. "No, just...just don't leave."

"I'm not leaving. I'll right here." Sandy pulled him closer. "It's going to be okay." 

Gonou curled his fingers around Sandy's wrist. "Is it?" he asked. "I'm...I'm not sure it will ever be okay, Sandy."

"But you're safe. Nothing can hurt you here. Not even the tricks of your mind."

"What about memories?" 

"Memories are the same. They're an illusion. And illusions cannot do harm unless we let them."

There was a pause. A breath. Gonou traced the fingers of his opposite hand over his own stomach. 

"What is it?" Sandy asked.

"The person I mentioned earlier. She was my sister, and her name was Kanan. And we weren't just living together. We were lovers as well." 

"Oh?"

Gonou nodded, too embarrassed to lift his gaze. "And it was because of that that everything went wrong."

Sandy hmmm'd softly. "Is that what you were dreaming about?"

"Yes." Gonou squeezed his eyes shut. "It was like...I was there again."

"When?"

"That afternoon. The one where everything changed. I had just gotten home from work, and I didn't know it at the time, but one of my students had followed me from the school. He claimed later that it was because he had to ask me a question, but it didn't matter because he saw us. He saw the way we embraced. The way we kissed." Gonou shuddered, the bile rising in his throat. "It was no secret we were related, but what people didn't know was that we'd only just found out . We'd actually spent years apart, reconnected accidentally, and discovered the truth after we'd already become intimate. So it was hard to go back, but in the end it didn't matter because that student told _everyone_. The next thing I knew, angry townspeople were knocking on our door, accusing us of all sorts of horrible things, and I was arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct. Kanan was outraged. She immediately marched down to the town official's office to argue my case, but it was already too late. I'd been sentenced, and they'd turned me over to the son of a local demon, a demon known for his appetite for young men."

"You were a prisoner?" Sandy asked.

"A prisoner and a slave. And when Kanan found out...it was like...it was like she lost her mind. She came after me. She destroyed him, she destroyed his clan and she burned the town. And then she...ceased to be human."

"The Rage of a Thousand Demons," Sandy murmured. "When someone becomes so angry they actually lose their humanity. I've heard of it, I didn't realize it was real."

"Oh, it's real," Gonou assured him. "Though I don't know if I would have believed myself if I hadn't witnessed it. It's more horrible that you can imagine. It's watching someone you love essentially die and come back to life as an unrecognizable monster. And in my case, it was knowing it was my fault it happened." 

Sandy's fingers gently touched his scar. "Is that why you cut yourself open?"

"Yes." Gonou's shame returned, burning across his cheeks. "I couldn't live with it. I couldn't live with being responsible for destroying the only person who ever truly loved me." 

Sandy shook his head. "You did no such thing. You didn't destroy Kanan. Kanan destroyed herself."

"But I could have stopped it! I could have ceased our intimacy once I knew the truth! I could have taken her and moved to another town before anyone else found out! I could have done so many things..."

"Gonou." Sandy splayed his palm over Gonou's chest. "Taking responsibility for other people's choices is a heavy burden. One that you don't have to carry. Master Koumyou teaches us that we must live on our own terms, and to not locks us in the endless cycle of suffering. It is only by letting go that we can move beyond."

"But..." 

"But nothing. You don't have to do this. You don't have to hold on. It's time to live your life for you, Cho Gonou. Let it go. For your own sake." 

Gonou blinked back tears. Sandy's words held no judgement, no reprimand. Just love. Acceptance. 

"I don't know that I can," he whispered.

"You can," Sandy promised. "I'll help you."

*~*~*~*

The mat was gone in the morning. Not put away, but removed from the room. Gonou didn't question it, but he did give Sandy a sidelong glance as they walked to breakfast. Sandy either pretended not to notice, or chose not to acknowledge him, because he proceeded to go about his daily tasks as if nothing had changed. 

Gonou followed suit, assuming he'd get an explanation eventually. 

And after returning from the bath later that night, he did. Sort of. 

"We have a meeting," Sandy said. 

"Now?" Gonou asked. "Where?" 

"Not far. There is someone in the temple who would like to see you."

"Who?"

"Master Koumyou." 

Gonou started. "Master Koumyou?" he repeated.

"Yep." Sandy grinned. "So get dressed. I'll help if you need." 

"Ah, um. No, thank you. I can manage." Gonou hurried over to where he'd hung his robes. "Why does Master Koumyou..."

"Dunno. He just told me after lecture today that he wanted to have a word."

"Oh." Gonou slipped his robes on over his head.

"Don't worry, I'm going with you," Sandy assured him. "Not that you have anything to be afraid of."

"No, no. Of course not." Gonou smoothed his hair. His heart was stuttering inside his chest, but Sandy just looked happy. Happier than Gonou had seen in a while.

Gonou took a deep breath. 

"C'mon," Sandy said. "It's not far." 

"Yes," Gonou said. "Okay."

*~*~*~*

Koumyou's Sanzo's rooms were just opposite theirs, on the other side of the small, inner courtyard. And when Sandy knocked, Gonou heard the master call, "enter!"

Sandy pushed open the door.

"Ah. Sha Gojyo. Good evening." Koumyou Sanzo's smile was as vibrant and bright as the strands of red prayer beads draped around his neck. He sat on the floor next to a small altar and opposite him, with his back to the door, was another young monk about Gonou and Sandy's age.

"Good evening, Master Koumyou." Sandy gave a low bow. "Is now a good time for an audience?" 

"Of course, of course. Please, come in."

The other young man finally turned around as Sandy and Gonou entered, and Gonou was, once again, taken aback by appearances. Above what looked like a permanent frown were two brilliant amethyst eyes, and a mop of soft, golden hair. 

"That's Kouryuu. Koumyou's disciple," Sandy murmured. "Look, but don't touch. He bites." 

"I heard that." Kouryuu glared in Sandy's direction. "And I can introduce myself, thank you. I don't need you to do it for me." 

Sandy gave Kouryuu a mild smile as he sat down. 

Kouryuu glared harder.

Gonou sat hesitantly near Sandy's knee.

"So, you are Cho Gonou?" Unprepared to have Koumyou address him directly, Gonou could only bow his head hastily. "You look well. Are you adapting all right to life in the temple?"

"Oh. Yes. Thank you. Everyone has been very welcoming."

"Good to hear." Koumyou lit a stick of incense and placed it on the burner. "And thank you for coming." 

Gonou pressed his palms together. "I'm honored you have requested to see me." 

"Well it seemed only logical as Sha Gojyo tells me you are ready to begin studying The Way."

Gonou's looked up. "I'm sorry?"

"The Way," Sandy said. "You're ready to become a novice."

Koumyou and Gonou's eyes met. Uncomfortable, Gonou looked down. Koumyou Sanzo may have been an ordinary man, but his gaze was anything but. It was if he could see right through Gonou, right down into the dark, horrible secrets he kept in his heart, and Gonou felt the strong urge to apologize for interrupting. To run from the room.

But then he felt Sandy's fingers brush his own and, mustering some courage, Gonou raised his head. "I have done some terrible things and allowed some terrible things to happen, but I am...I am ready to change. I don't know if I can be forgiven so easily but..."

Kouryuu's sharp eyes turned in Gonou's direction. "This faith does not absolve people of past wrongs. If you are looking for forgiveness, you better start finding it within yourself before you start along the Path or you're not going to get very far." 

"Kouryuu is right," Koumyou agreed. "Our faith doesn't 'forgive.' Instead, it encourages us to live in the moment, to be present. One cannot do that if one is carrying unhappiness. So what Kouryuu is saying, Cho Gonou, is that your readiness to transform depends on your willingness to let go of the past and live in each moment as it is given. Is that something you are ready to do?" 

Echoes of Sandy's words. Gonou looked at his friend. "Yes," he said slowly. "I...I don't know if I know how yet, but I'm willing to at least to give it a try."

"Then we have a place to begin." Koumyou looked pleased. "After meditation tomorrow, be ready and in the inner courtyard before breakfast."

"Y...yes, sir," Gonou stammered, and Sandy beamed.

*~*~*~*~*

Cho Gonou "died" the following September morning, and Cho Hakkai was born into the world though the hands of Koumyou Sanzo. 

And that very same day, everything started to change.


	2. Chapter 2

The changes were evident in many ways, but perhaps were most pronounced in Gounou-now-Hakkai's relationship with Sandy. With his health now fully restored, Hakkai was much more independent, and Sandy moved out of the role of caretaker and into the role of colleague and friend. Best friend, if novice Buddhist monks used such terminology. And constant companion, though Hakkai often wondered if their togetherness was a bit _too_ constant these days. Not that close relationships between temple residents were anything unusual. They were actually quite normal, even encouraged, as Master Koumyou was a deep believer in unity, and as a man with both an open heart and mind, he urged embracing companionship to the fullest. 

"Love," he told them, "is a concept bigger than most can comprehend. It is a state that requires giving up the idea of individual existence, and letting go of the myth of separation. Love is a gift. When it comes, accept it." 

So it was truly only Hakkai who was taking issue with Sandy's constant physical proximity. 

And it did not go unnoticed. 

"You're fidgeting." They were sitting outside near the Abbot's favorite grove of peach trees, Hakkai with a book, Sandy with his chin on Hakkai's shoulder, arms around Hakkai's waist. They were alone save a few birds and the occasional stray bumblebee, but Hakkai was having a hard time staying still.

"Am I?" Hakkai asked. "I hadn't noticed." He tried to smile, but Sandy was not so easily placated. 

"You are," Sandy said. "If I'm making you uncomfortable, just say so."

Hakkai folded his book closed. "You're not making me uncomfortable," he lied. "I'm just...warm is all. It's quite hot for fall, don't you think?" 

"Sure. Warm. Right." Sandy withdrew and Hakkai heard the shuffle of the autumn grass. "Guess I hadn't noticed."

"Well since the sun has come up, it's gotten very warm. Unusually so." 

"I see," Sandy said. But his tone made it clear he didn't see at all. 

Hakkai sighed. "All right," he said. "It is you, but I mean no offense. It's just that...I'm healthy now, and you still insist on sitting so _close_. Don't you think we should, I don't know, appear less codependent?" 

"But I like being near you." Sandy brushed a stray strand of hair behind Hakkai's ear. "I like the feel of you. You're...comfortable." 

Hakkai's cheeks grew pink. "That's fine," he said, "but there is still a chance people are going to get the wrong idea. We _are_ both men, you know." 

"Yes? And? So is everyone else at this temple." Sandy waved vaguely in the direction of the building. "It's not like it's weird." 

"Yes, I know. However..." Hakkai's fingers tightened around his book. "...however, considering how much trouble disregarding societal norms has gotten me in in the past, I'm not sure I am as willing to embrace that the way you are. To me it still feels...taboo." 

Sandy placed his open palm over Hakkai's clenched fist. "No one is going to make trouble," he said. "I promise."

"And I'm sure you're right it's just that...how do we really know? What if they do? What if..."

"They won't," Sandy said firmly. "Trust me. Because if they accepted me no questions asked, they will definitely accept you and whatever choices you decide to make." 

"But you didn't choose to be a half-breed," Hakkai said. "I _chose_ to sleep with my sister. It's different."

"Is it?" And something about Sandy's tone made Hakkai pause. "Because I wasn't referring to my being a half breed. I was referring to my own...pre-novice sexual choices. Which may not have included incest, but they included a lot of other things most of the guys here have never even _heard_ of."

Hakkai's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" he asked. 

Sandy pursed his lips. "I haven't told you how I ended up here, have I?"

"No, it hasn't come up."

"Well...it's kind of...it might explain a few things. I'm not here because I sought out The Way or because I had any aspirations of becoming a monk. I'm here because I tried to pick up Master Koumyou in a back alley in Chang 'an when I was fifteen." 

Hakkai blinked. "Come again?"

"I solicited him for sex," Sandy clarified. "While working as a prostitute."

Hakkai stared. It wasn't as if he wasn't familiar with the idea of sex for money, it was just that he never would have suspected, of all people, Sandy would be involved in something like that. 

"W...what was Master Koumyou doing in a back alley in Chang'an?" he asked.

"Not looking for young prostitutes, I can tell you that." Sandy managed a wry grin. "And he was in plain clothes, too, so I didn't know right away he was a Sanzo priest. He just looked like the type of guy who wouldn't be too rough, and who would feed you breakfast in the morning. So I went for it. I told him my name was Sha Jien, and I only charged 200 for the night. And he told _me_ that there was an old, old legend about a river demon with the surname Sha who once served one of the most powerful priests in history. And then he asked if I wanted to come with him and start a new life, no sex required."

"And you said yes?"

"Hell yeah I said yes. There aren't a lot of legitimate employment options for half-breeds in this world, but monk sounded a whole lot better than hooker, especially because it meant I could eat, and live in a safe place, and never be alone." Sandy leaned into Hakkai's shoulder. "Because the thing I never told anyone was that I didn't necessarily get into the sex trade just for money. A lot of the appeal was in the idea that I wouldn't have to spend nights alone. At that point, I'd been on my own most of my life and...it was starting to get to me. I was starting to feel like there wasn't anything else."

"What happened to your parents?"

"Dunno. Too ashamed to admit to my birth, I suppose. They left me at an orphanage. And I stayed there until I couldn't take the abuse any more."

Hakkai let the words sink. A dragonfly flitted past them, translucent wings beating back against the warm afternoon air. "Sha Gojyo," he said at length.

"Huh?"

"The demon. His name was Sha Gojyo."

"Oh. Yeah. I know. I took it as my Buddhist name when I was inducted."

"So you know what it means."

"Yeah. It means _Sand Awakened to Purity_."

"Yes." A soft smile played across Hakkai's lips. "It suits you."

"Heh. You think?" 

"I do." Hakkai turned so they were face to face. "Because you have a very pure heart, and a goodness in you that defies everything you just told me. It really as if meeting Master Koumyou was predestined, and coming here was really just a way for you to realize your own worth."

Sandy looked at him for a long, long moment. "You're going to make me blush," he murmured. 

Hakkai smiled. "That's all right," he said. "Red is a good color on you. You wear it well." 

Sandy chuckled. And then he plucked a blade of grass and twirled it between his fingers. "I'll give you some space," he said finally. "Back off on the snuggling without permission. Also, I'm sorry if I upset you in any way. It wasn't intentional."

"You didn't, but...thank you. I...appreciate your understanding."

"No problem," Sandy said. "That's what friends do."

And with that he lay down on the grass a comfortable distance away, folding his hands behind his head and staring up at the sky.

Hakkai returned to his reading.

*~*~*~*~*

More time passed. Autumn became late autumn, and around the temple, winter preparations began. There was firewood to gather, structural repairs to be made, and food to store, and Hakkai and Sandy found themselves doing a little bit of everything, working sometimes until late in the day to make sure tasks were done. Late autumn also saw an urgent summons for Master Koumyou, asking for his help with with some spiritual unrest the East. This left Kouryuu in charge of temple affairs, which, if anything actually increased productivity as Kouryuu wasn't quite as lax as Master Koumyou when it came to daily management.

It also, coincidentally, gave rise to some strange happenings in their own nearby village, rumors of which reached the temple less than a week after Master Koumyou's departure.

"Disappearances." Tenzig, a senior disciple, set down a box of canning jars next to Hakkai and Sandy's workspace. "A handful people have just...vanished without a trace. They went out and never came back."

"There must be an explanation," Hakkai said. "Perhaps some sort of emergency departure? Miscalculation?"

"Maybe," Tenzig said, "though the popular theory is that it's bandits, and the village is very tense."

"Bandits? Like, slaver bandits?" Sandy wiped his berry-stained fingers on a towel. 

Tenzig nodded. "And professional ones, too. They've walked off with two of the missing people in broad daylight. Quite literally. The most recent victim was a girl out with her mother buying bread. She paid the grocer and when she turned around, her mother was gone."

Sandy's brow furrowed, but he said nothing. 

Tenzig took his leave shortly after, needing to bring some tiles up to the team fixing the leaks in the roof.

"You don't believe him." Hakkai set the jars out in an even row with their lids beside them. 

"Oh, I believe him," Sandy said. "I just don't think it's bandits."

"Why not?"

"Because something about it doesn't feel right. How did they just abduct people without making a sound? I mean, I know there are ways, but you have to have an awfully good, coordinated team to just walk off with a grown adult."

"That's true." Hakkai brushed some food residue from his paring knife. "But if not bandits, then what?"

Sandy looked down at the counter. "If you ask me, it sounds like a demon."

"A demon?" 

"Yeah. One that is passing as a human. I've seen it once before. There was this bartender in a city where I stayed a while, and everything about him seemed perfectly normal except he...he smelled really, really strange. And I probably only noticed because I'm half-demon myself, but I didn't pick up on what he actually was until he offered me in on the hunt. Then I realized. And I also realized why, every few weeks, he would meet with this really shady-looking guy near the room I was renting. I think the guy was giving him victims or something, I dunno. I got the hell out of there soon after without bothering to find out."

"That's barbaric," Hakkai whispered. "He _gave_ him victims?"

"Maybe," Sandy said. "But why not? Keeps him from getting eaten, right?"

"Still barbaric," Hakkai muttered. "And besides, all demons can't be killers. I mean, you've never..." 

"No," Sandy said. "I've never even felt the slightest pull from those instincts, but I am only half. I do I tend to be a little more resilient than your average guy. I heal faster, and can withstand a lot more punishment if I have to. But taste for human flesh? No. Never felt the need." 

"And that's why I'm sending to send you to investigate this."

Both Hakkai and Sandy jumped. Either they had been too preoccupied to hear him come in, or Kouryuu had snuck up on them on purpose to give himself more time to eavesdrop. Either way, he was here now, and staring ominously in Sandy's direction.

"Me?" Sandy demanded. "Why? What's any of this got to do with me?"

"You are half-demon, are you not?" 

"So?"

"So our Master is away, and I am standing in for him, which means it is not in anyone's best interest for me to go galavanting about the countryside. But if there is an actual demon in the area we need to know. So I'm sending you."

"Oh, so it's not in your best interest to find out more, but it's in mine?"

"Didn't you just say you're more resilient that most humans? And that you can smell the difference between a demon and a man? That kind of makes you the ideal candidate here."

"Or it gets me out of your hair until Master Koumyou comes back."

Kouryuu folded his arms. "Fine," he said. "If you won't do it for me, do it for your boyfriend. You wouldn't want anything happening to _him_ if we don't investigate this, right?"

Sandy's fist clenched. "You're an asshole," he growled.

Kouryuu smirked. "Maybe so," he agreed. "But that doesn't change the fact that I'm assigning this task to you. Say you're good-byes tonight, you can head into town in the morning. Find out for sure if we're in any real danger, or if this some over-exaggerated bullshit."

"Whatever," Sandy muttered. He grabbed a knife and started to chop the fruit in front of him a little too forcefully.

Kouryuu said nothing more as he left the room.

Hakkai watched his retreating back, then glanced over at his friend. "Am I ever going to get to hear that story?" he asked. 

"Which one?" Sandy grumbled. "The one about why Kouryuu struts around here like he's the temple's anointed little princess, or why we don't get along?"

"Both? They seem interrelated."

Sandy paused, then pulled the pit from the half plum on the cutting board. "A demon killed his parents," he said. "Right in front of him. And if Master Koumyou hadn't shown up when he did, it would have killed him, too." 

"Oh," Hakkai said softly.

"Yeah." Sandy tossed the pit in the compost pile. "So it's hard to fault him for hating me in light of that, and yet it still bugs me. I mean, if he wanted to look down on me for being a street rat, or a sex worker, or a really good gambler, that'd be one thing. But he has to hate me for the one thing I can't control and that's my genetic make up."

"He could try to find it in himself to let go of some of his mistrust," Hakkai said. "I mean, it's not as if he hasn't been around you long enough to realize you're harmless." 

"Eh. He's a stubborn bastard, as are most people who carry grudges. Once they get an idea in their head, it's damn near impossible to get them to change their minds." 

"I changed my mind." 

"Yeah, well. You're different."

Sandy swept the piece of chopped plum into his hands and held them out to Hakkai. 

Hakkai looked at them, but didn't move. "And the other part?" he asked. 

"What other part?"

"The part about me being your... boyfriend." 

Sandy was quiet for a long moment. "What about it?"

"I was just wondering...if it were true."

Sandy stood very, very still. The bits of plum in his hand glistened in the murky kitchen light and Hakkai opted to stare at them rather than Sandy's face because he couldn't quite bring himself to look his best friend in the eye.

"I didn't think you were into me," Sandy said at last. 

"Well, yes." Hakkai said. "I didn't either. Until recently."

"Did something happen?"

"No!" Hakkai waved his hands. "No, nothing like that, I just...I've been doing a lot of thinking, and while I was studying the other night, I realized that perhaps I was putting too much emphasis on the wrong things. I was hung up on the exterior, which is silly really because we aren't just our physical bodies. We're more than that. So much more." 

Sandy set the plum back on the table. "That's true," he said. "But physical bodies are still a part of it. They're the vehicle we use to learn and gain experience, so we can't count them out completely."

"Yes," Hakkai agreed, and he could feel his cheeks heating up again. "I know that, too. But what I'm saying is...the vehicle for experience is currently housing a consciousness that I care very deeply for. And I have for a while. So what I really need to do is just get over myself and tell you that I love you and say I'm sorry for being such a deluded jerk."

Another bout of silence, this one longer and more intense than all the others combined.

"You're not a deluded jerk," Sandy said. "There's nothing wrong with not being ready..."

"No, no there is. There _is_ something wrong with being so caught up in physical appearances that I talked myself into denying the obvious. And while I am grateful that you will forgive me, as you always do, I am done with my own short-sightedness. I want to move on. I want to be your boyfriend. Starting right now." 

Sandy stared at him, blinking slowly. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes."

"You're really sure..."

"I am. And though I've never had a boyfriend before, I don't care. I'll figure out."

Sandy laughed. "There's not much to figure out. Except maybe where should we meet up later for mahjongg. Because if you're committing, well...I wouldn't mind you coming by my room."

Sandy winked and Hakkai had to laugh himself, even as he shook his head. "As tempting as that is," he said, "I think we should actually go to mine like usual. Because I know how much you love being able to fall asleep while looking at the stars."

Sandy's eyebrows raised, and then he looked down quickly, the loose strands of his hair coming forward to cover his face. "I'm going to blush again," he murmured. "Damn you, Cho Hakkai. This is becoming a habit."

"Still all right," Hakkai murmured back. "Red is still your best color."

*~*~*~*~*

They never ended up playing mahjongg. Instead, they ended up splitting a bottle of sake that Sandy had nabbed from Goddess-knew-where, and taking each other's clothes off. And though most of the night was spent kissing naked on Hakkai's bed, Hakkai was still amazed by how many ways Sandy knew to stimulate another man's body. He tried not to think about _why_ he knew them (though the thought slipped in every once in a while), because it was far more important to focus on the delightful ways each and every one made him feel.

"You're beautiful," Sandy murmured. He kissed each of Hakkai's nipples in turn, thumb tracing over Hakkai's scar. "You may not think so, but I do." 

"Thank you." Hakkai carded his fingers through Sandy's hair. "You're beautiful, too. I've always thought so, but I feel like this is a good time to say it out loud."

"Heh." Sandy's tongue flicked him and Hakkai felt it all the way to his toes. "You know you don't have to flatter me, right? I'm going to take care of you no matter what?"

"If it were mere flattery, I wouldn't even say it," Hakkai returned. "My words come from a place of love. Because I love you." 

Sandy paused in his licking, resting his chin on Hakkai's sternum. "Love, huh? Is that what this is?"

"I'd like it to be." He drew Sandy to him, grazing a warm kiss over the other man's lips. "And surely a man like you knows how to love."

"Mmm." Sandy slid on top of him. "Know? Not sure about that. But I think I can figure it out with you here to help me."

"I think I happily accept that task starting right now."

They kissed again, legs tangling as they rolled to the side. Hakkai let it all wash over him, happier than he'd ever been.

And in the morning, Sandy departed for the village with the promise to return home as soon as his task was done.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning that this chapter does not end happily. Please heed the archive warning if that is not your thing. 
> 
> Immensely huge thank yous to my beta team. Without them, this never would have happened. Ladies, you rock and I love you. <3
> 
> Also, any remaining typos are mine. I've looked at it so many times, I probably just can't see them any more.
> 
> ***

It was three weeks before Sandy returned. Almost eight days longer than Hakkai had anticipated and, as if that wasn't worrisome enough, seeing Sandy walk through the temple gate with two nasty gouges running across his right cheek pretty much sent Hakkai over the edge.

"What happened?" Hakkai dropped his cleaning supplies and ran to the door. "Where have you been? And your face...Sandy, you're hurt!" 

"It's nothing," Sandy said. "Just a scratch. And I'm sorry it took so long. It turns out, human-looking demons aren't that easy to find." 

"Apparently not. Which makes me even more happy you're back. You sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay. I promise." Sandy embraced him, his familiar scent soothing Hakkai's tense nerves. "Just a little tired."

"More than a little." Hakkai stroked his hair. "You look like you haven't slept in days. You should go rest. I'll let Kouryuu know you've returned and then come make you some tea."

"Master Koumyou's not back yet?"

"No. He's still away. At least another week." 

"Dammit." Sandy sighed. "I was hoping he'd be here. But if he's not, I'll just go talk to Kouryuu myself. No need to get involved."

"But you're exhausted..."

"I said I'll do it, Hakkai." 

Hakkai stepped back. Sandy's face gave nothing away, but the tone of his voice was enough to tip Hakkai off to the fact that something was definitely amiss.

"Sandy?" he questioned.

Sandy immediately shifted his expression into something more neutral.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just going to be easier if I tell Kouryuu everything myself rather than go through a third party. I won't be long." He offered Hakkai a superficial smile. "And tea sounds nice, so why don't you make some and I'll drop by when I'm done?" 

"Okay." Mollified, but not entirely, Hakkai stepped away from his friend. "I'll get something to dress your wound with as well. The rosehips from last harvest should be dry enough to make a good poultice, and that will keep it from getting infected." 

"Right...yeah. That sounds perfect. See you soon." 

With one last wave, Sandy took his leave. 

With a sigh, Hakkai bent down to retrieve his things.

*~*~*~*~*

The window in the meditation room was open, and the night breeze raised a trail of goosebumps across Kouryuu's skin. But Kouryuu made no move to close it. Partly because the sharp bite of the air kept his mind from wandering, but also because he was listening. Waiting. 

And sure enough, his vigilance this night was rewarded.

"Come in," he said gruffly. He didn't bother waiting for the knock. He knew by the footsteps who it was and that it was urgent. Thus, his face showed no surprise when Sandy entered, countenance troubled and tense.

"You're back," he said. 

"Yes," Sandy said. "And...I was right. It's a demon."

Kouryuu folded his arms and tucked his hands inside his sleeves. "I'd say hooray for you and your deductive reasoning skills, but that seems a little callous given the body count."

"Uh. Yeah." Sandy closed the door but did not join Kouryuu on the floor. "But uh...it is. So..."

Kouryuu's eyes narrowed. "So?" 

"So I found out as much as I could. What do you want to know?" 

"Everything would be extremely helpful. I do have to decide where to go from here."

"Don't be pissy. I just didn't know how much detail you wanted given your own experiences." Sandy looked over at the open window, avoiding Kouryuu's eyes. "But if you want to know everything, I'll tell you everything."

"I want to know everything," Kouryuu said. "So speak."

Sandy took a deep breath. "Everyone who disappeared is dead," he said. "Including two little girls and their nanny. She got them while I was there."

"She?"

"Yes. The demon is a female."

The furrow in Kouryuu's brow deepened. 

"Does that mean something?" Sandy asked.

"I think you already know the answer to that," Kouryuu returned. "Go on."

"I watched her for a while," Sandy said. "Days. And then one night I decided to follow her, to see where it was she went when she left. I made that decision before I realized the only reason she left the village was to follow victims. And by the time I picked up on that...well..." 

Sandy shook his head. 

"The rest...happened fast," he went on. "We were barely out of sight of the main road when she jumped and killed them. All three. Just...one strike and it was over. I couldn't even call out and tell them to run. I was too shocked to move at first and that's when she ambushed me. I don't know if she intended to kill me, too, or she thought I was coming to try and steal her prey, or...I dunno. And I didn't exactly think to ask."

"So you didn't speak to her?"

"No."

"Did she speak to you?"

"Yeah." Sandy stared at the floor. "She told me to leave. That was it." 

"Why did she scratch you?"

"Because I fought back. Instinct, I guess. I landed a couple of blows before I realized who it was, and then she gouged me as she was pinning me to the ground."

"Leave it to you to worry about hitting a woman when your life is in danger." Kouryuu shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder about you, Novice Sha."

"Sorry. I'm not real good at being ruthless. Too in touch with my humanity, I guess." 

Kouryuu acknowledged the jibe but didn't strike back. 

There was a short silence. 

"You're aware there's poison in the wounds," Kouryuu said at last. "And you're aware I don't possess the knowledge or experience to do anything about it?"

"I know," Sandy said quietly. "I can feel it. I'm doing okay, but..."

"But nothing. You need to see the Master the minute he returns. In the meantime, I'm taking you off all duties. You are to rest, and I'll get you some medicine for the pain. Hakkai can tend to you if you want, but you'll have to tell him. _And_ demand he not do anything stupid. There are a lot of folk tales out there about how to cure someone who has been poisoned with demon magic. None of them are true." 

They stared at each other, the silence tense and thick.

"But there is a cure," Sandy said.

"For you," Kouryuu replied. "For ordinary humans, no. Having demon blood has given you something of a natural immunity. It's bought us some time. But we're not going to take chances." Kouryuu turned back to the altar. "You can go. We can talk more once you've rested."

"Okay." 

No one said anything else.

The door snicked closed behind Sandy's retreating back. 

*~*~*~*~*

Hakkai nearly leapt off the bed when Sandy walked in. He'd spent his time alone preparing the poultice and making tea, but the activities hadn't stopped his mind from running, or his heart from worrying about what might be going on in Kouryuu's rooms. 

"Sandy!" he exclaimed. "Did you talk to Kouryuu? What did he do? What did you say?"

"Hey, easy, one thing at a time." Sandy smiled tiredly, which did nothing to ease Hakkai's anxiety. "I found him. We talked. He's up to date, and I'm off the hook from duties for a little while."

"Duties? Why?" 

"Because I've been poisoned," Sandy said. "By the demon. When she scratched me, it got into my system. And because it's demon magic, I can't be fully cured until Master Koumyou gets back."

Hakkai felt something cold prickle along the back of his neck. "Kouryuu can't help?"

"No." Sandy shook his head. "Reversing demon magic is really advanced stuff. Typically, only Sanzos know how to do it because from what I hear, it is incredibly spiritually taxing."

"But there must be..."

"Don't worry. It'll be fine. " Sandy pulled him close. "Master Koumyou will be back soon, and I'll just take it easy until he does. Besides, Kouryuu has granted you permission to take care of me. So I won't ever be out of your sight unless you want me to."

"Well. I suppose that's some consolation," Hakkai said. "Still..."

"It'll be fine," Sandy repeated. "I promise." 

"Okay," Hakkai said. 

But he wasn't convinced. And with good reason. Because it wasn't fine. The issues started less than a full day after Sandy's returned. At first it was just mobility- stiffness in the joints, trouble walking too far too quickly. But those little things grew gradually worse and, within a week, Sandy had lost the ability to stand, giving Hakkai the unpleasant shock of finding him face down on the floor one morning when he came in with breakfast. 

"Holy name!" Hakkai set the tray down and raced to Sandy's side. "Are you all right? What happened?"

"I'm all right," Sandy said. "My legs just feel funny, and when I got up to go take a piss...I fell." He got to his feet with Hakkai's help, but winced as Hakkai guided him back to the bed. "Maybe I just need to rest a little bit more."

"You do," Hakkai agreed. "And you know it. Also, if you're not feeling well, you know it's okay to ask for help."

"Yeah I know," Sandy said. "I guess I'm just not used to being the one doing the asking."

"Well, you are, so deal with it. Now let's bolster you up so you can have some of the food I prepared."

"Yes, dear."

Sandy let Hakkai tuck a pillow and an extra blanket behind his back. And he ate with minimal difficulty, though his appetite was certainly less than normal. Hakkai tried not to worry too much about that, reminding himself of his own convalescence and how hard eating had been for him, too. Still, once Sandy had fallen back to sleep, Hakkai went straight to Kouryuu for a dose of poppy seed powder to brew with Sandy's evening tea.

Within days of his fall, Sandy started to have trouble sitting up. The skin of his fingers and toes had also taken on a strange, purplish hue, and he seemed to be coated constantly with a light sheen of sweat. On more than one occasion, Hakkai had to get into bed with him and sit him against his chest just to get him to choke down some clear broth. And while Sandy was complacent, the effort of eating seemed to only make things worse.

Deeply concerned, Hakkai resorted this time to summoning Kouryuu to Sandy's room. 

"What do you think?" he asked.

"What do I think? I think he's been poisoned," Kouryuu said.

Hakkai scowled. "What do you think _besides the obvious_?" he clarified.

"I think we may be working on a more limited window than we first thought. This...doesn't look good." 

Hakkai looked at Sandy's pale, sleeping face, dread heavy in his heart. "Have you heard from Master Koumyou? How much longer will he be?" 

"I don't know. The last correspondence I received said he would be back within the month. I'm assuming that means soon, but if he's gotten held up somewhere..."

Hakkai's jaw clenched. "There is no one else? No other priest of any sort nearby who can help?"

"Demon magic isn't something that is taught below the Sanzo level, so no. Unless there's an advanced apprentice who's not busy, but I sincerely doubt it. Whatever is going on in the East is serious enough that every Sanzo has been called. So the only thing we can do is make him comfortable and hope he's strong enough to hold on." 

Hakkai shook his head. "You realize that's the worst answer you could have possibly given me. You realize I believe you, but I cannot just blindly accept such a terrible response." 

"I'm sorry." And for once, Kouryuu actually sounded sorry. "I wish I could do something more, but I can't."

"You can't try? You can't...you can't use any of the things that you know?"

"Demon magic isn't something that is taught below the Sanzo level _for a reason_ , Cho Hakkai. It doesn't operate under the same rules as normal Buddhist magic. He's better off fighting this on his own because anything I try has the very real potential to kill him."

"So we do nothing," Hakkai said bitterly. "We stand here, and we do nothing."

"We wait," Kouryuu said. "And we trust in our Master's return."

*~*~*~*~*

By the grace of the Diving Buddha, Master Koumyou returned a few days later. Except he did not have good news, so his presence brought Hakkai no comfort as he knelt by Sandy's bedside. 

"This isn't regular demon magic." Koumyou's palm pressed against Sandy's cheek. "There's something off about it. Like it's tainted somehow."

Stung by the prospect of more bad news, Hakkai's shoulders slumped, prompting Kouryuu to ask the questions in his stead. 

"What kind of demon would have irregular magic, Master? Another half-breed?"

"No." Koumyou shook his head. "Half-breeds don't have demon magic in the true sense. Just a different physical make up from humans. This would be someone or something that was created through unnatural means. Like an experiment. Or a resurrection." Koumyou stood. "I'm going to have to consult the texts to narrow down the possibilities."

"And in the meantime?" 

"In the meantime, we will keep vigil. And I will do my best to make him comfortable. But know that that's all it is. Any signs of improvement will be temporary until I find away to purge his system." Koumyou turned. "Please go prepare my altar, Kouryuu."

"Yes, Master Koumyou."

Kouryuu left the room. Master Koumyou looked at Hakkai and Hakkai held his gaze for a moment, but then had to look away. He was too upset to maintain eye contact for too long. Upset, and a little angry that the return of one of the most powerful men in China did not guarantee the safety of his lover. 

Unsurprisingly, Master Koumyou seemed to accept his ire without question. "If I may," he said after a short pause. "I'd like to ask you something, Cho Hakkai."

"Of course, Master Kouryuu." 

"Please keep in mind, I ask only because of the severity of the situation, but I would like to know -- what is the nature of your relationship with Sha Gojyo?"

Hakkai shifted uncomfortably. "H...how do you mean?" 

"Are you lovers?" 

"I...we...well...yes." He rubbed the back of his neck, and looked anywhere but at Koumyou's face. "I suppose...lovers is an accurate description of what we...are."

"So you have been intimate?"

"Y...yes. But only as of very recently." 

Koumyou placed his hand on Hakkai's shoulder. "I'm sorry to pry. It's not my business, but knowing that this wouldn't be the first time you've lost someone you cared about, I...want to make sure we take care of you as well." 

Hakkai closed his eyes. He said nothing, but he didn't need to.

Koumyou's fingers squeezed. "I am going to do everything I can, but do be prepared for the worst. Sometimes, all the magic in the world cannot change the course of the future." 

"Of course, Master. I understand." 

Master Koumyou gently kissed his cheek. "Be strong, Cho Hakkai. It won't do to give up just yet. There is a lot of life still left in him, and we all want to see him live it." 

"Yes, Master Koumyou." Hakkai bowed, his limbs numb. 

Master Koumyou returned the gesture, then exited, leaving Hakkai alone with Sandy once again.

Hakkai looked over at the bed. It seemed a lifetime ago that they had been together. A lifetime ago when Hakkai had been so overwhelmed by love and joy he had thought his body wouldn't be able to contain him. Overcome, he pressed his palm to his lips. Tears streamed down his face as he fell to his knees, heart feeling like it would snap in two. The scar on his stomach twinged and he wondered, not for the first time, if living was really worth it if it was always going to be like this.

*~*~*~*~*

Koumyou returned to his private quarters, pensive and troubled, acknowledging his young apprentice with only a wan smile before pouring himself a cup of tea. He then sat down on a meditation cushion, facing the altar Kouryuu had prepared.

Kouryuu came and knelt by his side. "Master?" he said quietly. "What is it?" 

"Kouryuu." Koumyou stared into the flickering candle flame, pulling in his focus. "I need you to tell me everything that happened the night Sha Gojyo returned."

"But I've told you everything."

"Tell me again. Please."

Kouryuu folded his hands, and rested them on his knees. "All right," he said. "Well, this is what I remember. I was waiting for him in the meditation room as I had every night since he left, and I could tell even before he arrived that something wasn't right. Because the air felt strange."

"How so?" Kouryuu asked.

"I don't know, it just felt heavy. Like he was coming carrying a heavy burden."

"I see," Koumyou said. "Go on."

"He arrived in the meditation room a little after sundown. I'm assuming that was because he went to see Cho Hakkai first, but I can't confirm."

"So you are aware of their relationship?"

"Yes."

"Did you know they have been intimate?"

"No." Kouryuu shook his head. "But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

"No. They are definitely bound by threads that well precede this lifetime. Anyway, continue. You felt him coming, and he met you there."

"Yes. And the first thing he told me was that he could confirm all the missing victims were dead."

"Did he tell you how he knew that?"

"No. But he was hesitant to reveal a lot of detail. I intended to talk to him further once he'd had a chance to rest, but then he started to get sick. I got the impression he may have seen the bodies, though. I know he saw three victims killed before he left."

"That is the knowledge that led to his injury?"

"Apparently. He said he was tracking the demon, a female, before he realized she was hunting and that is why he believed he got attacked. She thought he was trying to steal her kill. She came after him as he tried to get away and, in the scuffle, she scratched him."

"Mmmmm." Koumyou pursed his lips. "It would seem strange for a demon who had just killed to leave their meal. Even if they felt threatened."

"But he is a half-demon, Master. She could have picked up on that and seen him as competition."

"That is true, but demons have a very acute sense of smell. She would have noticed his human side just as much as she noticed his demon blood. And most demons know a half-breed is no match for them strength-wise, and no good to them as food. They usually pay them no mind. I wouldn't go so far as to say they avoid them, but...it is unusual for a full-blooded demon to really _pursue_ a half-breed."

Kouryuu's eyes narrowed. "What are you getting at?" he asked.

Koumyou bowed his head. "To tell you, I have to break a confidence. But I suppose, under the circumstances, I can be forgiven for not holding to that particular vow. It is my theory, Kouryuu, that the demon woman who pursued Sha Gojyo did so because she mistook him for someone else. Someone who had to have been close enough to him to leave a very strong scent."

"Cho Hakkai?" Kouryuu asked. "But why would she..."

"Because Cho Hakkai, at one time during his life as Cho Gonou, had a twin sister. And that woman became a demon due to the phenomenon known as the Rage of a Thousand Demons."

"The Rage of a Thousand Demons?" Kouryuu shook his head in disbelief. "But that's just a legend!"

"If that were so, Kouryuu, I wouldn't bother bringing it up. However, considering it has been documented, and considering Cho Hakkai was a witness to the transformation, I would say it is, in fact, more real than either of us would like it to be."

Effectively silenced, Kouryuu looked down. 

"Is there anything in Sha Gojyo's story that would make you think I am wrong?" Koumyou asked him. "Do you think there is another explanation for the origin of the tainted poison?" 

Kouryuu shook his head. "No, sir. I was just... unaware that Cho Hakkai had blood relations, never mind demonic ones." 

"Mmm, well, as I mentioned, I was told of her existence in confidence. So there is really no reason why you should have been aware prior to this." Koumyou rubbed his brow. "And, of course, solving the mystery of the poison's origin doesn't really get us closer to a solution."

"But now you know what must be done to fix it, don't you?" 

Koumyou sighed, turning his gaze to the stone floor beneath their feet. "Yes," he said. "The way to counteract this kind of demon magic is to terminated the source."

"We...we have to kill her?"

"Not we. I." Master Koumyou looked at his apprentice. "I would never ask you to take on the burden of taking a life. Especially not in a situation such as this. No, for this I will go alone. You are to stay here and continue looking after the temple and, given that this demon is nearby, I shouldn't be gone for more than a night. But in the event I don't return..."

"There will not be such an 'event,'" Kouryuu interrupted. "And it's stupid to talk like there would be. You are a Sanzo, Master Koumyou."

"Perhaps, but even Sanzos are human, Kouryuu." Koumyou smiled gently. "And we can get wounded or killed just like any other human. Also, I'm afraid I do not have Sha Gojyo's genetic, half-demon advantages should something not go as planned." 

Kouryuu folded his arms, frowning.

Kouryuu took a calm sip of tea. "So I trust you will look after the temple, then? In all instances?" 

It wasn't a question. Kouryuu grit his teeth. 

"Yes, Master Koumyou," he said at length. "I will look after the temple. In all instances."

"Good," Koumyou said. "Then I can go with an easy mind."

 

*~*~*~*~*

While not immediate, the Master's return to the temple did have some positive effects on Sandy's condition. The second morning after Koumyou's arrival, he awoke, lucid and cool, his fever having broken during the night. He sat up by himself that day, and managed to eat with minimal help. Even his color improved as the morning wore on and, to Hakkai, seeing him well felt like seeing the sun for the first time after a long bout of rain. He felt light, almost euphoric, and could not resist climbing into bed after breakfast, snuggling up to his lover like an affectionate cat.

His bliss, however, was rudely interrupted by Kouryuu's sudden and unexpected arrival.

"Master Koumyou has asked that no one leave their rooms for the next forty-eight hours," he informed them. "Unless it is to eat or relieve themselves. Spend your time in meditation and prayer...or whatever the hell it is you two do when you're left alone for too long, I don't care. Just don't leave."

"Like I could go anywhere anyway," Sandy said, but Kouryuu ignored him, choosing instead to storm out as abruptly as he'd come.

"I'd make a joke about Prince Pissypants raining on my recovery parade," Sandy said when the door had shut, "but from what you tell me, he was actually decent while I was at my worst." 

"He was...helpful in his own way," Hakkai said. "I can say with confidence I never thought at any point he wanted any real harm to come to you."

Sandy chuckled. "How kind. And how kind of Master Koumyou to sanction an entire two days of alone time for us."

"Um...Sandy, I don't think that's what he's doing..."

"Psh. Of course it is." Sandy leaned over and gave him a kiss. "We're lovers. And our benevolent and kind Buddhist master is giving us his blessing to spend the next two days making lots and lots of _love_." 

"Sandy!" Hakkai blushed. "As enticing as that sounds, I don't think that's how Master Koumyou intends for us to spend our time. Besides, you are only just feeling better. Which means we probably shouldn't engage in something so rigorous for at least another few nights...."

"Hakkai. There are many, many ways to make love besides intercourse. I thought I showed you some of them before I left, did I not?"

"You did, but..."

"But what? There's no problem here. I will promise to behave, and we can pick up where we left off. Which I think involved some exploring right about...here?"

Hakkai gasped as Sandy's fingers slipped between his legs.

"Y...yes, I seem to remember something about that..."

"Mmm, me too." Sandy's fingers stroked once, twice. "And I remember you liking it quite a bit. I also remember I promised I'd use more than just my hands next time..." 

Hakkai squeaked.

Sandy's hand closed around Hakkai's cock. "Make love with me Cho Hakkai. I promise it will be sweet and perfect and like nothing you've ever felt before."

Hakkai shivered and closed his eyes. "All right," he whispered. "Yes."

*~*~*~*~*  
They made love. _A lot_ of love. All afternoon and all evening, they stopped only when Sandy was exhausted to go on. And though Hakkai did remember falling asleep, he certainly didn't remember anything about putting his underthings back on. But his bottom half was covered when he woke, and he was lovingly tucked into the blankets. 

Oddly though, he was alone.

"Sandy?" he called softly. The room was dark, and since it was Sandy's, there was no window to let in the winter moonlight. There was a line of clear glass panels along the top of the outer wall, but they didn't really do enough to consider the room illuminated. 

When he got no answer, he concluded Sandy must have gone out for a moment, probably to use the facilities. And even though he would probably be back soon, Hakkai still slipped into his robes and went out to on him anyway. Just to make sure.

He found him not in the lavatory, but in the kitchen, hunched over the small cooking stove with an empty tea kettle clutched in his fist. He was breathing hard.

"Sandy?" Hakkai questioned.

"Hakkai," Sandy whispered. He turned, face pale, eyes wide. "S...something's wrong, I..."

Hakkai ran to Sandy's side, catching him as he started to cough--deep, wracking spasms that shook his entire body. Hakkai held him up, keeping him from collapse, and tried not to panic when Sandy spit a mouthful of dark red blood onto the floor.

They both stared at the puddle for a long, long moment before Hakkai had the presence of mind to grab a nearby dishcloth. 

"We've got to get you to Master Koumyou," Hakkai said. He wiped the blood from Sandy's lips, willing himself not to shudder as it soaked into the fabric. "This could be a side effect of the poison, and if it is, he'll know what to do." 

"Y..yeah. Okay. N...not too fast though. I...I feel really dizzy..."

"No, of course. We'll take our time." Hakkai draped Sandy's limp arm over his shoulders. "Just do your best, okay?"

"Okay." Sandy stumbled a bit as he got his feet under him, but managed to stay upright with Hakkai's help. "I...I'm sorry about this..."

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Sandy." 

They set off toward Koumyou's rooms as fast as they could manage. As it was, they had to stop twice more for Sandy to cough. The amount of blood he brought up each subsequent time was less, but Hakkai did not feel comforted at all. Instead his unease was growing with every shaky step they took, and it took every ounce of his willpower not to lose his temper when they arrived at Koumyou's to find not the master, but Kouryuu. It was like the worst kind of deja vu, and Hakkai was in no mood to relive the traumas of the recent past. 

"Where is the Master?" he demanded. 

Kouryuu, who had been facing the window, turned and looked at them, his face as impassive as a statue even as his eyes found the blood smeared down the front Hakkai's robes. 

"He's not here," Kouryuu said. "He's out."

"When is he coming back?"

"I don't know."

"Well that is decidedly unhelpful," Hakkai snapped, and he didn't even care if he sounded harsh. Kouryuu was not the person he wanted to see, and there was no point in pretending he was.

"Sorry I can't wave my hand and give you all the answers," Kouryuu said. "But you're welcome to wait."

"We don't have time to wait. We need to do something now before..."

Hakkai's words were cut off as Sandy began to cough again, falling to his knees and taking Hakkai with him. Blood went everywhere- all over the floor, all over Hakkai- and Hakkai grunted in frustration as he dug out the cloth he'd brought with them, mopping up the spatters the best he could. 

Kouryuu's lips dipped into a frown. "How long has he been like this?" he asked. 

"I don't know. I fell asleep, and when I woke up he was..."

"Moonrise," Sandy rasped. "It started...just after full dark."

Kouryuu's expression clouded. "You're sure?"

"Yeah." Sandy struggled to sit up. "We...fell asleep, and I woke up thirsty, so I went to boil some water...to make the tea. But I started to feel really sick you know? And by the time I got to the kitchen, I was...I was like this." 

"Coughing up blood."

"Y...yeah." 

Kouryuu's jaw clenched. "That bitch," he growled. "That fucking _bitch_."

"What?" Hakkai looked between Kouryuu and Sandy. "Kouryuu, what are you even talking about? What's that got to do with Sandy's condition and why are you cursing?" 

"Because." Kouryuu drew something from inside his robes. "She's trying to take something from me, and I will not have it." 

Hakkai's eyes widened when he realized Kouryuu was holding a revolver. "Kouryuu!" he gasped.

"Quiet." Kouryuu's eyes were cold as he opened the chamber and put in several bullets. "This isn't for you. This is because enough people have gotten hurt, and I'm done. I'm ending this once and for all."

"No!" Sandy reached for Kouryuu's robes. "No, Kouryuu, you can't. Please."

"Oh but I can." Kouryuu closed the chamber. "I can and I will. Now, get out of the way."

"Kouryuu..." 

"I said get out of the way! She is not worth your protection, Sha Gojyo. She never was!" 

Sandy drew back, stunned and Kouryuu moved. Hakkai squeezed into his side, allowing Kouryuu room to pass, which he did, stalking by without so much as backward glance, hurried footsteps disappearing into the dark. Hakkai waited several heartbeats before speaking, and as he looked at Sandy's distraught face, he felt an overwhelming sense of foreboding. 

"W...what did he mean by that?" he asked. "Who...who is this woman he's speaking of and why does he want her dead?" 

"I didn't want you to find out," Sandy said. His voice, rough from coughing, was more like a whisper. "I didn't...I didn't want to hurt you and I knew it would hurt you so much if you knew." 

"If I knew what?" 

Sandy couldn't look at him, couldn't meet his gaze. "If you knew that the demon who attacked me," he said, "was Kanan."

Hakkai stared. Simply stared. He had to have heard wrong. He had to have imagined that he'd just heard Sandy speak his sister's name. "K...Kanan?" 

"Yeah," Sandy said. "I know it's sounds crazy but...I knew the moment I saw her. She looks just like you, Hakkai. Same eyes and everything." 

"Oh gods." Hakkai's chest hurt. "Oh gods no. Tell me you didn't..."

"I did. Or, I tried. I tried to appeal to what was left of her humanity. Obviously, it didn't work." 

"Oh Sandy..."

"I know. Pathetic, huh? I'm such a sucker."

Sandy chuckled, but the vibration seemed to trigger another fit of coughing. Hakkai smoothed Sandy's hair back off his forehead, holding him until it passed.

"You're not either of those things," Hakkai murmured. "You know that right?"

"The hell I'm not. I'm a damned idiot."

"No. You are person I love most in this world and you are someone who would never turn his back on anyone who needed his help. Someone who loves and cares unconditionally for everyone and anyone he comes across. Someone so deserving of the name _Sand Awakened to Purity_ that it's no surprise Master Koumyou gave it to you. Because you, Sandy, have the purest heart of anyone I've ever met." 

Sandy's eyes widened. He started to speak, but another fit of coughing made his body shake so hard he had to grab Hakkai's shoulders. There was more blood, more than Hakkai had ever seen one person expunge, and Hakkai didn't even try this time to clean it up. Because he was realizing, with heavy certainty, that soon, it wasn't going to matter. If Master Koumyou didn't return, if Kouryuu didn't get to him in time... 

Hakkai wiped Sandy's bloody lips with his hand.

The pain of realization was almost too much to take.

"Hakkai?" Sandy said softly.

"Hm?"

"Whatever happens tonight, I want you to know that I love you. And that I couldn't have asked for a better friend or a better lover than I found in you. Thank you...for everything." 

Something awful twisted in Hakkai's stomach. Something huge and terrifying, and it was enough to make him feel sick. "No," he said. "No good-byes. The master's going to come back. And when he does, everything's going to be all right."

Sandy closed his eyes. "I don't know, Hakkai."

"No! _No good-byes_. We're going to get through this, okay? Just...try not to move too much. If you stay still, it will be better. Stay still. Stay...with me."

"...okay. But I still love you." 

"I love you, too."

Hakkai pulled Sandy close. The night settled around them, deceptively still, and quiet enough that Hakkai could hear the soft rise and fall of Sandy's breath. It was far weaker than it should have been, but it was there, and Hakkai counted each inhale. Because each breath was a second closer to the Master's return. 

Except no footsteps echoed in the corridor outside.

Hakkai closed his own eyes and prayed.

*~*~*~*~*

Kouryuu returned in the wee hours of the morning. He was exhausted and alone and he didn't need to ask to know what happened. Hakkai's red eyes and bloodstained lips said it all. 

Sandy's lifeless body in his arms was just the horrible confirmation of everything they'd lost.


	4. Epilogue

They buried them next to each other in the space just beyond the gardens, Sandy's pile of stones near the Master's feet. That same afternoon, Kouryuu was ordained as Priest Genjyo Sanzo, 31st of China, and head of the temple. He and Hakkai didn't talk. They simply acknowledged one another after the ordainment ceremony, and then Hakkai went to his room to pack. He said nothing of his departure to anyone, but still, somehow Kouryuu knew, and he was sitting outside the temple gates when Hakkai went to pass.

"Where will you go?" he asked.

Hakkai paused, eyes staring out into the world beyond the walls. "I don't know," he said. "I haven't decided yet."

"You know you'll see him again." The lotus crown seemed out of place in Kouryuu's flaxen hair and yet it didn't as it glinted in the afternoon sun. "You're tied together for some reason. So in this life or the next, he'll find you. Or you'll find him." 

"Perhaps." Hakkai shifted his small bundle of belongings further up onto his shoulder. "If you believe in such things."

"Are you saying you don't?"

"I'm saying I'm not quite sure what I believe any more."

Kouryuu nodded, eyes still on something far off and distant. "I can't say I blame you," he said, "but your teachings may bring you comfort when you least expect it." 

"Oh?" Hakkai said. "Have you found that to be true?"

Kouryuu was silent. 

Hakkai sighed. "Forgive me," he said. "That was unfair." 

"No," Kouryuu said. "It was honest. And my honest response is that I don't know. I guess we'll see as time goes on, but for right now...I don't really know what I think. Just like you."

They stood quietly for a few more moments. Then, Kouryuu turned toward the doors. "Duty calls," he murmured. "Time to go be a priest."

Hakkai nodded. "Of course. Good luck to you, Genjyo Sanzo. May Buddha watch over you and your disciples."

"And you, Cho Hakkai."

They bowed to each other. Kouryuu took his leave.

Behind them, the temple bell called the monks to prayer.


End file.
